Funeral

I did go to the funeral at the church. I did not know the lady who parted from this world personally. Though the service made me cry and I had to leave the church for a while to get my self together. I was jealous of the memories her children and grandchildren told about her. It made me think what could my children say at my funeral? I really don't wish that they even try. Their lives had bean just a matter of survival. As much as I was trying to give them more for what I understood they need it really never succeeded to much. God gave them talents, but the pure existence limited the reaching for their dreams. I am feeling guilty that I was not able to provide more than I did, even that was not easy. I never thought that I should have a life and dreams of my own. Today - I can not change anything what happened and I don't know if my children were aware of what I had to cope with while they grew up.
I was talking to Pastor Vos , I really do need a mentor, but even a few words of him helped to get myself a bit together. We can not change what has happened in the past and we can not make any one's perception of life like we think they ought.
It is scary to worry about children's future when I know they have not the base strong enough to depend on God. All I can do is pray..... and try to have faith that God knows...