Melancholy

I have not posted for a while.

Spring arrives moody.

All plants are striving to bloom.

Wind, frost, cold...

Social habits to manipulate...

Sad...

All blooms of joy gone.

Just green - still alive -

hope for growth

and harvest.

Memory dreams...

Wind again

I woke up by the noise of a shower banging on the metal roof. The power had been off during the night and the clock was just blinking.

A dull beginning of a day. I got up. But the darkness made my thoughts hang on to aftermath of yeaterdays funeral about life and death.

I felt like going back to bed and not to wake up at all. However it isn't my choice.

After my chugging along the regular routine, the rain stopped. Instead a wind, like I never liked, was shaking everything it could get hold on. Dried branches from the trees, even the cover from my birdfeeder was ripped off and blown around.

I can not find peace in it. It rips my thoughts in twirls from utter extremities about everything. It did get sunny, but the wind - the wind wont stop.

Restlessly I was trying to catch it on pictures to illustrate my dislike. The branches from the willow were blown parallel to the ground. Even my tulips got bend down pretty well touching the grass with their blooms.

There is no way to stop it. I can not accept it patiently. For some reason it disturbs me. The worst part is that I don't understand why it bothers me so much. Maybe some day I'll find out. Just now the best thing I can do is putting my unrest in words on paper and let it be. It will stop sooner or later.

Funeral

I did go to the funeral at the church. I did not know the lady who parted from this world personally. Though the service made me cry and I had to leave the church for a while to get my self together. I was jealous of the memories her children and grandchildren told about her. It made me think what could my children say at my funeral? I really don't wish that they even try. Their lives had bean just a matter of survival. As much as I was trying to give them more for what I understood they need it really never succeeded to much. God gave them talents, but the pure existence limited the reaching for their dreams. I am feeling guilty that I was not able to provide more than I did, even that was not easy. I never thought that I should have a life and dreams of my own. Today - I can not change anything what happened and I don't know if my children were aware of what I had to cope with while they grew up.
I was talking to Pastor Vos , I really do need a mentor, but even a few words of him helped to get myself a bit together. We can not change what has happened in the past and we can not make any one's perception of life like we think they ought.
It is scary to worry about children's future when I know they have not the base strong enough to depend on God. All I can do is pray..... and try to have faith that God knows...

Special

It made my day! In the spring rush I do feel abandoned. Every one has their own spring work and there is not much time to spare for "little old lady".
However, when Nathaniel presented me with his first prise craft, made me feel that I am special to him, if even for a short while. I hope he can understand that the little attention he decided to present to me, for him it was a big creation work, made me get out of the feeling of being lonely.
I hope he grows up to be a loving person all the time.
Thanks a lot, Nathaniel.

Easter Day

My little crocuses did survive the snow cover for couple days. Saturday friends of mine came from Orangeville visiting and brought me this one egg. It was customary to colour eggs for Easter. In my country they were mostly done in onion skins or other plant materials for change of colour. After they had folks ornaments either scratched in the colour or marked wit pencils. I have not done it for few years now. My hands are not good enough to make such small designs. Though the girls had coloured this egg the Canadian way I still felt touched that they remembered me. So, since the snow was gone, I went outside and put the egg beside my crocuses and enjoyed my own poor creation to make a Easter card to e-mail to family and friends. Besides - there is joy in those little things and I am happy to send it believing that other people will, at least have a smile about.

This morning felt to be different. The sun seemed to be brighter than other days I bothered to pay attention to. It did lift my soul up high - joyful peace for the day most signified for all who believe in Christ.

This blog might seem like a hollow chit-chat to some, but to me it is taking all the dust of my soul and worth celebrating.

Snow in April 2009

Not really a surprise,

neither April joke

not the first time either

no choice or change for

Creators way to talk to us

Do we understand?

I feel sorry for the little crocus, it will be gone when snow melts again.

It is still snowing. Weather man fore casted sun and warmer in a day or two.

Even though the snow is white- sign of purity, the mood has shadows...

Early greeting to spring

Just one little crocus
hopes the snow is gone for good.
Uplifted my spirit
and made my heart beat
more joyful
enough to forget
the depressing feeling
of loneliness.