Friday, August 14, 2009

Just afterthought


I've been very busy preparing for and attending the Al Purdy's Festival. As usual, I don't understand how come there are very few people I've spoken to who knows who Al Purdy was and still is. (One of Canada's greatest poets.) Sad to know that Canadians know so little about there own literature, especially that have thoughts about life now and after death. This picture I took the last day at Purdy's monument in Ameliasburg cemetery. The picture leaning on it was loaned by his wife Eurithe to show us Al as he used to walk there without any thoughts that he might be buried there. He still is considered as Canada's People's Poet. I think, people don't read poetry much because they don't know how. I've been taught that reading poems one has to be able to take time and read between the lines. Every poet puts his or hers emotions, good or bad, in it without realizing if their words have helped them to grow. Every book we read should teach us something.
I can't understand why so little literature are taught at schools today. Why do we have writers period? Just to fill newspapers with scandal reports and unreal advertising?
At this festival there were poets from Montreal, Ottawa, Sarnia, Hamilton, Toronto and many smaller places. It was an entertainment as well as seminars for who ever liked to learn more how to write. This was the third year there. The poem readings were amazing. I wonder how come Alliston does not have enough interest in hearing some of the writers in person. Have we turned too materialistic and take poetry just as an imagination? Sad not to know there are more to it.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

just thinking with no answers...

I received today four of my contemporaries pasing away this week. Some were younger than I parting with this world. I can not avoid thinking about God's will. Where do I stand in there?


I have no spiritual mentor right now. The only way to shake my soul is to put something in poetry, though I am not sure if that gives any relief of thougths about how far is my death


In the book

I’m writing not really knowing what for.
Every one is getting old
There are no written instructions
For process of how.
I think I do believe in God,
But I am human
And how do I know the reality?
So far, I feel, still to have my common sense
To receive aging as it advances.
It’s scary to admit
And hard to drop an ever lasting thought
How will it end?
Will I get disabled and hurt?
Hard to give up the activities
I used to do and liked.
My body starts protesting moves.
Pain is a new element.
Hard to accept consequences.
Do I trust abstract, spiritual, hope to God
When there is no other support
For aging soul to hold onto?…

The only choice to avoid
That shaky waiting time
To leave this world
Don’t think
Just live the best today...

Saturday, June 20, 2009

rainy days




My "paradise"
dark morning
like it or not
rain, rain, rain
heaven brightens
nature's greens
different shades to name
I should enjoy
the given power
for living
hard when soul gets soaked

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Melancholy


I have not posted for a while.
Spring arrives moody.
All plants are striving to bloom.
Wind, frost, cold...
Social habits to manipulate...
Sad...
All blooms of joy gone.
Just green - still alive -
hope for growth
and harvest.
Memory dreams...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Wind again



I woke up by the noise of a shower banging on the metal roof. The power had been off during the night and the clock was just blinking.

A dull beginning of a day. I got up. But the darkness made my thoughts hang on to aftermath of yeaterdays funeral about life and death.

I felt like going back to bed and not to wake up at all. However it isn't my choice.

After my chugging along the regular routine, the rain stopped. Instead a wind, like I never liked, was shaking everything it could get hold on. Dried branches from the trees, even the cover from my birdfeeder was ripped off and blown around.

I can not find peace in it. It rips my thoughts in twirls from utter extremities about everything. It did get sunny, but the wind - the wind wont stop.

Restlessly I was trying to catch it on pictures to illustrate my dislike. The branches from the willow were blown parallel to the ground. Even my tulips got bend down pretty well touching the grass with their blooms.

There is no way to stop it. I can not accept it patiently. For some reason it disturbs me. The worst part is that I don't understand why it bothers me so much. Maybe some day I'll find out. Just now the best thing I can do is putting my unrest in words on paper and let it be. It will stop sooner or later.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Funeral

I did go to the funeral at the church. I did not know the lady who parted from this world personally. Though the service made me cry and I had to leave the church for a while to get my self together. I was jealous of the memories her children and grandchildren told about her. It made me think what could my children say at my funeral? I really don't wish that they even try. Their lives had bean just a matter of survival. As much as I was trying to give them more for what I understood they need it really never succeeded to much. God gave them talents, but the pure existence limited the reaching for their dreams. I am feeling guilty that I was not able to provide more than I did, even that was not easy. I never thought that I should have a life and dreams of my own. Today - I can not change anything what happened and I don't know if my children were aware of what I had to cope with while they grew up.
I was talking to Pastor Vos , I really do need a mentor, but even a few words of him helped to get myself a bit together. We can not change what has happened in the past and we can not make any one's perception of life like we think they ought.
It is scary to worry about children's future when I know they have not the base strong enough to depend on God. All I can do is pray..... and try to have faith that God knows...

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Special

It made my day! In the spring rush I do feel abandoned. Every one has their own spring work and there is not much time to spare for "little old lady".
However, when Nathaniel presented me with his first prise craft, made me feel that I am special to him, if even for a short while. I hope he can understand that the little attention he decided to present to me, for him it was a big creation work, made me get out of the feeling of being lonely.
I hope he grows up to be a loving person all the time.
Thanks a lot, Nathaniel.