Last day in November 2008

I woke up at 5:00 Am and started the day reciting the hymn “This is the day the Lord has made”. Had to get up early then a haiku was roaming around my head too. I did send it in to the competition though it did not connect to the inspirational picture.
The morning routine got done fast and I was sitting and waiting for the time to go to church. We had again the pastor of Newmarket service today. I really did not follow well the sermon, sort of tended to fall asleep. After the service we had the council’s report on what has happened since Octobers report when they suspended Ken because he committed adultery. Kind of a sad situation. I don’t like to judge anyone, but – “…for those tears I died…” does not get of my mind. Two couples have now separated and by the looks of it will never try to reconcile.
I just don’t feel right about the whole thing. My instinct received Ken with an open statement: “I don’t like you”. Though I still don’t know why I had that feeling. There was something in his face and in his posture that just stirred this feeling in me. I did try to connect with him in his personal visits, but I don’t think he even tried to look deeper in me. Now Clare is shedding tears. Honestly I don’t believe she is loosing much. Their children have capsulated themselves inside, none are being open on their blogs. And I can not get back into my creative thinking. The whole congregation is distraught and sort of lost. Feels like the togetherness has scattered in different directions. There are also several serious sicknesses for some members and it just feels like the load is too heavy.
I usually do not do any recreational work on Sunday’s, but today I finished the one lap-afghan Mary Jane wants for some nursing home. I still am restless and disturbed. I feel I failed as a Christian to touch Ken when he visited me. Bu t I guess it always takes two – one who gives and one who receives. Do I make a justification for myself? Just does not feel right…
I was suppose to go to Marmora for the writers exhibition and stay with Inta over night. The forecast for the weather was scary so I cancelled it. Last I heard was that the expected storm should start about 2:00 PM today. So far there has not been anything but clouds. Now it’s 3:00 PM and I can see outside the wind starts getting restless. That does not help my mood either.
I poured myself a glass of wine well knowing it isn’t going to cheer me. It’s stupid, but I hope it makes me go to bed earlier and tomorrow always seem to be better…
It starts snowing now and I am as frustrated as one can be not knowing next word to say and to whom...

I am having hard time to get on the blog what I like. Last night was so beautiful to take that

picture. At daytime it is hard to see the snowing.

So now I will try to put the one from this morning on this same blog.

Yes, I managed, but at the wrong place. It is late now and Dirk isn't here to help me. I do miss him in troubles like this.

Anyway, I got both pictures on and anyone can figure out which one was taken at last night and the other was from this morning. I do like the scenes no matter what we find to complain about. It still is beautiful and makes me to remember that it does not come by our order.

We were discussing "Blessings" - this also is a blessing if we bother to think about it deeper.

Just enjoyed back then...

I was looking for picture to work haiku to, but got stuck just dreaming "backwards" on this one. There is joy hanging in the air, in the apple blossoms, the booming white lilac. And look under the big oak tree - the forget-me-nots and dandelions are having the feast of spring light.

We do forget to stop and think how much Light we have around us. For me - it just took this picture to think about it for a while. Just had to be still and be thankful that I took this picture.

Right now there are many dark days, natural in winter, but hard to keep a lonely mind cheerful.

In this picture the Creator reminds me that it does not take much to receive His Light. It's always there, never mind few "clouds", they make me to appreciate the Light that much more. Can anyone share this feeling with me? Put the picture on full screen and you can not miss it. Just have a quiet smile about how simple Light may be.

Little things

Those two are sitting right beside my computer and I see them every day - knick- knacks. They make me avoid being lonesome. The little doll - Anne of Green Gables - I bought myself when I was in PEI touring Maude Montgomery's place, the beginning of this story about Anne. Some how I do feel like she is myself in miniature. The teddy bear - Burden Bear - was given to me by Jean some years ago when I had the blues, don't remember for what, but it does remind me that there is always somebody who cares.

They are sitting on my computer loudspeakers and especially evenings, when I play some gospel music (playing solitaire), it calms me down from the days rush through the deeds and thoughts that never get finished or answered. Some such little memorabilias help to calm down thoughts that tend to reach into the unknown future and appreciate today ending with peace in my soul.

Time gone by

That was a hard trip to get this picture on the blog. As usually I blame myself for being too stupid to know how to operate the computer. Conclusion for to day - is just that I am on the dial line and the connections get too crowded or I have no patience to wait till it completes the action.

Why this picture? It is the front of my castle. I planted the acorn to become an oak about 35 years ago and the spruce about 14 years back. They have grown without me paying particular attention to them.

Now my castle looks so small and what about me? It has been 40 years since I came living here and building my castle. Studied horticulture and tended my garden accordingly. For unintentional imprudence never stopped to watch silently for minute how great those trees became.

They are witnesses of how beautiful life has been here. Yes, there have been stormy weathers for the trees and not the friendliest neighbours around, but we grew - the trees and I.

I just read another author's writing: ..we grow from inside out... I look at those trees and see it in nature, maybe better than within myself. Somehow it still feels like I am lacking an inside balance and then I keep wondering: balance to what? Do I know myself or what is it that makes me look for balance - balance to my being myself?

I am getting too deep for now, time to break the thread of thoughts to something simpler. There will be hopefully other days and people around to track into my thoughts and I have chance of growing more to be myself.

Time passes

Life's wind

Life is like a wind
We don’t know when and how
It comes and goes
Or when will it stop
We try to survive through it
What ever it brings
Your soul develops all along
Weather you like to or not,
Change or put up with it
Either way learning
Willingly or not
Trying to find joy and peace
Out of all you can do
Though it isn’t in your power
To stop the wind of life…

And so the days go. Now three days no sun. Depressing. I know that is the season for it, I just don't feel able to find more joyous thoughts. I make mistakes on the computer and have hard time keeping myself calm about it. Some how anger tries to find a way in me, though I don't like to take it.
There will be a writers gathering In Marmora end of this month. I hope the weather will be good then. I just like to get out of here. The blanket of fallen leaves on my lawn and the greyness of the days makes me feel forgotten with them. Marmora isn't far from my daughters place and I plan to spend the night with her.
Just a dream to get out of loneliness...

The road we take

A while ago I was driving on Airport road and took this picture. It never makes a road monotonous to me. It stirs my thoughts in metaphor, rattles my spirit. Where are we going,

why and why so fast? I've been on this road many times and each time at different place it

makes me think about my life's road, that is if we think life is a road. This one was built by government or other authority.

Do we build our roads by ourselves?

Maybe it's kind of late, but I am finding more and more times in my memory that the road I did built myself ended in a swamp. Now I can believe that all had something to do with getting me to meet people who helped me to get back on the road the Lord has destined for me, though I still tremble not knowing where it will end or if I am still on the right way?