...selfcontrol...

The first month of this year is gone. I have not had any real happy days. The year started with a common cold and I was not thinking it might get worse. But I am my own worst enemy because I never realized that I am building my own stress, many times for meaningless things; this did get my blood pressure high and not knowing much about health proceedings I damaged my own eye that had the macular ( wet) degeneration stopped. Now the blood pressure has opened it again. Besides, I was not aware of that and was thinking and worrying that I might have flu. I did not have any symptoms of it that I new of. So it did stress my soul and mind thinking I am at the age  close to life's end. More stress and I was having hard time even to do my bare necessities. How I wished I had some one to talk to and needed a little bit of help to get the stress down. An odd day I felt better, but then I thought again about what else will happen and I was stressed again. Finally I had my regular appointment with my family doctor. She said I did not have flu and told me not to think so much to eliminate the stress that had called all those bodily malfunctions. I felt better after.
  Next week I had a regular check up with my retina specialist doctor. I felt easy going to Toronto to see him. I like him, he is so good to talk to. However, this time my examination showed the damage that the stress had done. My left eye has started to progress the macular deterioration. He started the treatment with the medicine injection in the eyeball and will order an angiogram for me. That did not create a joy. I am trying to follow my physician's advise to control my stress build up. It is hard not to think, especially like I was so used to find details of anything I happen to have popping in my mind. I am trying not to build fear of all this. It is so hard to control my own self made stress.
The only one who could help me must be God and I have to make sure my faith and trust Him will help... Will I be strong enough? - it's scary...

just thinking

I don't even know why I am writing the blog. There are no responses. The same is about face book or even e-mail. What is a use of writing if there are no responses? I feel like giving up the whole digital connections. It is bad enough to live alone and aging without stop. There are no one interested. I assume that at my age I don't fit into current societies life style and conversation themes. Sad. I just got a new poetry book published  well knowing that there hardly be anyone buying it. So I do give most away. The reason  - it might make receivers pay a little thought why I wrote it. It is one way of trying to understand who I am? I do feel like I don't belong anywhere. Am I talking a different language - I thought my English was short enough to illustrate my feelings and happenings in my soul that might find some friends with similar thoughts and doubts about LIFE. I think I am pretty well at peace in my soul, just missing friends who might like to question what made me think what I wrote about.
I guess I am kidding myself again - there wont be any response to this piece. Just makes me go deeper thinking why people are so floating on Life's surface?
Is that why we live for?
A new thing for me to think and learn to accept to let it be.
Be  - for what or who?...

another day

I ended up crying at a neighbours place to fill my day I felt wasted. I am suppose to be a poet. So I am trying to get another book of long omitted poems  knowing I might not live long enough to be creative.
It did create the so called depression - I just don't know why. I have a collection of poems since 1990.
It it  a long time to look back written at the time emotions screamed to get out, but -  etiquette did not permit it. I have tried to behave according to present (or maybe outdated ways of relating to people).
I do have about 100 poems to correct presentable for publishing. Beastly me! Why should I speak and write by some one else's program? My life was and is not like theirs. Yet, if any one reads my feelings, screaming in the poetry, they might make comparisons and learn some way to solve theirs.
This sounds like a diary I don't like to write publicly, but what will I gain or learn keeping it all in my self? I don't get any comments so far.  I might not ever. But... God, please grant peace for my mind...

Another day gone not thinking much if I should write on the blog. It  is like a diary just letting strangers read it. I did work on a new poetry book today. I'm not shure if I will be able to accomplish it. Never learning , never schooling  how to do it, I wander in my thoughts all impossible realities. God has granted all of us with special talents. I don't think it always is art. It is opening my heart and trying to find friensds with interests we can shear. The world is so muddled up politicaly and many other ways with disaggreements. Love is lost somewhere, burried of "economical" - greed  ways of living.
I am writing this just to ease my mind how to carry on surviving the time God has made me to be. What ever His goal is for me bothers me - am I good enough to accomplish His destination for me?
It is easy to find excuses for doing or not doing things. When will I  feel secure that I am folowing His designated road for me? Will I ever in this life time here on earth? It is frustruating. How do I know I'm not making another sin? I do pray, but not always sure He hears me or responds to it.
It is trembling my soul about what ever will be. Yet that is all there is  - just be...The Lord knows how...

First snow

First snow at November 11, 2012

It has been a very mild waiting for usualy common

snowy days at this time of the year. Rtght now I am trying to

 find how to manage to put the pictures on the blog.This is a
pretty sight for a serene day.

I hope it stays successfully on the blog posting. I have hard time
learning. Annelise helped, but after I messed it up again
and had to find the hardway how to get it done Hope it sticks.

"golden age"

This year most deciduous trees changed their colours mostly yellow. It was impressive, though - maybe the Lord's message that nature quietly lets us see why we call this season in life "the golden age".
It is hard to know how long this golden age will last in human life's fall season. The golden look in nature , we know, will last only a short time
to surrender for winters white rest.
My life's autumn? I would like to know how much longer it will last, but - I don't think the Lord is telling me.
I am getting frustrated with the constant "improvement" changes on the computer and it is hard to continue doing as I did up till now. I am fortunate that there are friends in younger generations who are willing to fin time and help me finding way out of the new frustrations. I still have to learn and learn. Will it ever stop and I could be content that I know what I need?
I am expecting Annelise to come and refresh some of my way of working, so waiting for her I managed to get this written. I'm not sure if it will post on the previous Blog. I'm trying and hoping that Annelise can straighten my way to work in peace again.

where do I belong?

What is friendship?
When does God speak to me?
Why do I have to think just all by myself?
Why isn't there anyone to share my joys and sorrows,
Pains and gifts I am trying to share with - who?
Who cares?
I've read the Bible four times over
I still can not see how many people live by the wisdom of it.
Politics, nationalism, old time customs -
does not make life
Did God spoke to me?
Yes, finally I heard Him -
just a fiction story if I tell to some one
and I am afraid
don't even know of what
- just unknown
and I didn't know or even dear to think of the meaning...
Just don't know where I belong????