Last day in November 2008

I woke up at 5:00 Am and started the day reciting the hymn “This is the day the Lord has made”. Had to get up early then a haiku was roaming around my head too. I did send it in to the competition though it did not connect to the inspirational picture.
The morning routine got done fast and I was sitting and waiting for the time to go to church. We had again the pastor of Newmarket service today. I really did not follow well the sermon, sort of tended to fall asleep. After the service we had the council’s report on what has happened since Octobers report when they suspended Ken because he committed adultery. Kind of a sad situation. I don’t like to judge anyone, but – “…for those tears I died…” does not get of my mind. Two couples have now separated and by the looks of it will never try to reconcile.
I just don’t feel right about the whole thing. My instinct received Ken with an open statement: “I don’t like you”. Though I still don’t know why I had that feeling. There was something in his face and in his posture that just stirred this feeling in me. I did try to connect with him in his personal visits, but I don’t think he even tried to look deeper in me. Now Clare is shedding tears. Honestly I don’t believe she is loosing much. Their children have capsulated themselves inside, none are being open on their blogs. And I can not get back into my creative thinking. The whole congregation is distraught and sort of lost. Feels like the togetherness has scattered in different directions. There are also several serious sicknesses for some members and it just feels like the load is too heavy.
I usually do not do any recreational work on Sunday’s, but today I finished the one lap-afghan Mary Jane wants for some nursing home. I still am restless and disturbed. I feel I failed as a Christian to touch Ken when he visited me. Bu t I guess it always takes two – one who gives and one who receives. Do I make a justification for myself? Just does not feel right…
I was suppose to go to Marmora for the writers exhibition and stay with Inta over night. The forecast for the weather was scary so I cancelled it. Last I heard was that the expected storm should start about 2:00 PM today. So far there has not been anything but clouds. Now it’s 3:00 PM and I can see outside the wind starts getting restless. That does not help my mood either.
I poured myself a glass of wine well knowing it isn’t going to cheer me. It’s stupid, but I hope it makes me go to bed earlier and tomorrow always seem to be better…
It starts snowing now and I am as frustrated as one can be not knowing next word to say and to whom...

I am having hard time to get on the blog what I like. Last night was so beautiful to take that

picture. At daytime it is hard to see the snowing.

So now I will try to put the one from this morning on this same blog.

Yes, I managed, but at the wrong place. It is late now and Dirk isn't here to help me. I do miss him in troubles like this.

Anyway, I got both pictures on and anyone can figure out which one was taken at last night and the other was from this morning. I do like the scenes no matter what we find to complain about. It still is beautiful and makes me to remember that it does not come by our order.

We were discussing "Blessings" - this also is a blessing if we bother to think about it deeper.

Just enjoyed back then...

I was looking for picture to work haiku to, but got stuck just dreaming "backwards" on this one. There is joy hanging in the air, in the apple blossoms, the booming white lilac. And look under the big oak tree - the forget-me-nots and dandelions are having the feast of spring light.

We do forget to stop and think how much Light we have around us. For me - it just took this picture to think about it for a while. Just had to be still and be thankful that I took this picture.

Right now there are many dark days, natural in winter, but hard to keep a lonely mind cheerful.

In this picture the Creator reminds me that it does not take much to receive His Light. It's always there, never mind few "clouds", they make me to appreciate the Light that much more. Can anyone share this feeling with me? Put the picture on full screen and you can not miss it. Just have a quiet smile about how simple Light may be.

Little things

Those two are sitting right beside my computer and I see them every day - knick- knacks. They make me avoid being lonesome. The little doll - Anne of Green Gables - I bought myself when I was in PEI touring Maude Montgomery's place, the beginning of this story about Anne. Some how I do feel like she is myself in miniature. The teddy bear - Burden Bear - was given to me by Jean some years ago when I had the blues, don't remember for what, but it does remind me that there is always somebody who cares.

They are sitting on my computer loudspeakers and especially evenings, when I play some gospel music (playing solitaire), it calms me down from the days rush through the deeds and thoughts that never get finished or answered. Some such little memorabilias help to calm down thoughts that tend to reach into the unknown future and appreciate today ending with peace in my soul.

Time gone by

That was a hard trip to get this picture on the blog. As usually I blame myself for being too stupid to know how to operate the computer. Conclusion for to day - is just that I am on the dial line and the connections get too crowded or I have no patience to wait till it completes the action.

Why this picture? It is the front of my castle. I planted the acorn to become an oak about 35 years ago and the spruce about 14 years back. They have grown without me paying particular attention to them.

Now my castle looks so small and what about me? It has been 40 years since I came living here and building my castle. Studied horticulture and tended my garden accordingly. For unintentional imprudence never stopped to watch silently for minute how great those trees became.

They are witnesses of how beautiful life has been here. Yes, there have been stormy weathers for the trees and not the friendliest neighbours around, but we grew - the trees and I.

I just read another author's writing: ..we grow from inside out... I look at those trees and see it in nature, maybe better than within myself. Somehow it still feels like I am lacking an inside balance and then I keep wondering: balance to what? Do I know myself or what is it that makes me look for balance - balance to my being myself?

I am getting too deep for now, time to break the thread of thoughts to something simpler. There will be hopefully other days and people around to track into my thoughts and I have chance of growing more to be myself.

Time passes

Life's wind

Life is like a wind
We don’t know when and how
It comes and goes
Or when will it stop
We try to survive through it
What ever it brings
Your soul develops all along
Weather you like to or not,
Change or put up with it
Either way learning
Willingly or not
Trying to find joy and peace
Out of all you can do
Though it isn’t in your power
To stop the wind of life…

And so the days go. Now three days no sun. Depressing. I know that is the season for it, I just don't feel able to find more joyous thoughts. I make mistakes on the computer and have hard time keeping myself calm about it. Some how anger tries to find a way in me, though I don't like to take it.
There will be a writers gathering In Marmora end of this month. I hope the weather will be good then. I just like to get out of here. The blanket of fallen leaves on my lawn and the greyness of the days makes me feel forgotten with them. Marmora isn't far from my daughters place and I plan to spend the night with her.
Just a dream to get out of loneliness...

The road we take

A while ago I was driving on Airport road and took this picture. It never makes a road monotonous to me. It stirs my thoughts in metaphor, rattles my spirit. Where are we going,

why and why so fast? I've been on this road many times and each time at different place it

makes me think about my life's road, that is if we think life is a road. This one was built by government or other authority.

Do we build our roads by ourselves?

Maybe it's kind of late, but I am finding more and more times in my memory that the road I did built myself ended in a swamp. Now I can believe that all had something to do with getting me to meet people who helped me to get back on the road the Lord has destined for me, though I still tremble not knowing where it will end or if I am still on the right way?

restles evening

Who is right?
I’ve been thinking
Of all the happenings
People made opinions about
What is right like?
People make schedules
Because there is someone
Who feels more righteous than others?
Do we know or do we think
That all our education
And all that our ancestry taught us
Is the perfect way to live?
Who are we?
Just Homo sapient, theoretically
Does or will any so called human
Ever know to prove
The higher power who or what
Created this world or what its destiny will be?
We are so used to organized orders
Where does feelings and emotions fit in?
Why do we have any?
The so called primitive living was
Closer to Creator
No matter how we labeled it
Or if we have a religious opinion or not
We never know the truth.
To fit in the society we live
We are not suppose to think different.
We have only one time to live
Why are we creating
All the opinions
We just assume to be right?
Who knows what the absolute right is?
We all trip some time or other
Life’s road isn’t without falls in the way
Every one of us has a soul
How do we know
Where is the difference how you feel
Or how I feel?
It’s easy to judge
But it is hard to live
By who’s order?
God’s mind is a mystery to us,
That is if we believe He is the most
But who can prove it
In today’s perception
Mostly electronically
Why do we have to be so judgmental?
In a time we don’t know
That we will have more off for ourselves?
I am not pointing at any particular happening
Just, I am deep in dusting my own soul
Where am I wrong?

thoughts flipping through previous photos

I came upon this one and thought why did I make it? I must have had some dark moment to get through. The candlestick is a gift from my father when I had my life at a dead end, but God did not think so.

Now I have a bunch of unruly thoughts and that made me think about darkness. We all have some extremely dark nights in our life. Dad said at the time that the smallest candle is still a light,

and no night lasts forever.

That made me open the Bible at Ecclesiastes and reread the section.. there is time for everything...

Time? We have calendars, clocks, watches and other contraptions that tells us time. Just what time? Life is a time.

How do we measure it and when the end for it comes?

I find that time spent with other people, particularly with true friends and ones who appear to have a dark moment at this time, seems to make the time pass without thinking about when will my life end. The trouble of to day is that we are running, running, running - where? We don't gain more God's gifted time for us. So why do we run? The calendar days come and go again and again. Do we account at the end of the day if we have lived that day contented and made someone else happy?

Jean has gone this morning to Florida. If she would read this I can hear her saying "you are thinking too much". Am I? For what purpose has God granted me these days?

The more I think about it the more humble I feel, because I don't know what God's goal is for me. I guess I am writing a sermon for myself right now, because I don't have answers for questions I am asking myself...

foggy morning

I had to get up early this morning to go to the Laboratory in Alliston. Out here at my place, between all the trees, it looked like a nice day coming. As I got on the road everything was wrapped in fog very heavy. Automatically had to put my foot on the brake. I could not see if I am on the road or half ways in the ditch. It did put sort of a break on my mind too. I proceeded to drive very slowly. I think my mind is set to change everything I see into comparisons with my personal life. Yes, there has been many foggy times. Even now it isn't too clear in my soul.

I kept driving. Since I always have the camera in my purse I thought this is a good time to stop on the road side and try to get a picture of how the sun works its way through the fog. It always does. Even in life's foggiest days there comes an other day with bright sunshine. All I have learned is that we have to stop running. Put the break on your mind and evaluate or quietly question God : how long will the fog last? You know it wont last for ever, but how bright will the sun come up? Well, I don't have any personal thick fog on my soul right now and I know, what ever there is, God will send the sunshine again. His Light can never be eliminated, though we do miss noticing when it isn't all that bright. It does come always again.

Wow, by now I have reached the Laboratory, half an hour early before opening. I got out of the car and walked to see what the sun is doing behind the buildings. It had broken the fog and was so wide spread bright I could not get a photo of it anymore (that is result for buying a cheap camera).

It did get my mind at peace and I noticed other people waiting in the lineup for the opening had a grin on their faces. Maybe I did look funny for camera in my hand and happiness on my face. though it was a good start fo my day.

Tolerance

My day was busy with all kinds of dues for plain existence. The evening got me trying to do some work I'm still learning. I really don't know why I do end my thoughts in metaphor.

I'm sure that all in this world is there because God created it for some purpose without nobodies permission or advise why or how. I looked at this picture of a place in my garden and realized I did not like the bindweed in it because it wined up the lilies and crept all over the place. The plants did not complain. They got along fine. They each have their own looks, their own beauty. We do pay for them if they are sold in store, but why do I have to dislike it in my garden? It is actually a pretty blooming vine and when my hands are not capable anymore to pull the weeds, they are not so bad after all. Just look in this picture: the baby breath, the lilies and even the binding weed add to the composition. Why don't we learn that maybe the Lord created all these flowers for us to learn togetherness and neighborly tolerance without trying to push each other away?

Just a few flowers, but when you have nobody else to share your joy with, just a look at them says: we are the greetings of the Lord.

searching soul peace

I came upon this picture. The way my days are overloaded with all kinds of emotional confusions I was looking for a picture to put a haiku on. This one sort of fitted in:

Who tends this garden?

peace and everything enough

contentment for all.

Why can't people live neighbourly like the flowers and weeds and display colours without arguments. I really don't know what I am thinking, just the look at the beauty of these plants, they are not in any one's garden. Quiet beauty and you can not do anything else but stand still and know God made them and is there. So I just stood still and forgot time, - time these days is just wondering how much longer will I live? The flowers have their seasons, so do people, just the length of the seasons differ and are unknown to us. Feels like I am spending days just waiting - waiting for an end...