...sunny day for my soul...

Couple days ago I wrote a poem:

...dark...

morning after morning
- dark
my body hurting
- dark
my mind blank
-dark
hard to face a new day
everyday rain
everyday tragical news
everyday complaints
Who was holding back the Light?

That picture was the first sight
this morning.
I saw the sun coming up and like golden veil covering
all the trees and brushes in its way. What a sight! Heaven had sent the Light
to start a new day. like overload of power to lift up my drab thoughts occupying
my soul these dark days.
To make it all the more radiant I had a visitor who brightened the day completely.
The Light mus have been held back for a purpose for me
to realise that I don't make the days or the Light.
...my prayers have been answered...

Unusual

What a day! First sunlight fell on a scant veil of snow spread over everything. First day of December. Nature does not go by man made calendar. Winter does not start according to it till twenty first. Though autumn does not want to surrender easily. My primulas are still trying to keep blooming even so this mornings snow was notifying them about winters approach just small steps at a time. I just could not resist taking pictures of the unusual morning for later memory.
Surprise! Within couple hours heaven cried for parting with autumn - it rained and washed all the snow away. I had another look at my beautiful primula and she had the brightest smile to sun.
...and I just thought - I did not organize this - still -
cheer full appreciation about the way the Great Creator lets us know that he controls natures calendar.

Cheer up...

I have not writen on this blog for a while. Days have started rather cold for the last couple weeks, even as low as -14 degrees C. This morning was just 0, but it was dark. The promised sun never appeared. It was so dark that inside the house I could not read without switching on the light. Depressing. Unruly. Lazy.

Nothing seemed to be encouraging to do some creative work. Just to get myself somehow in the spirit, as I went to pick up my mail, I walked around the garden and found couple primulas blooming. This one had the brightest smile. She did not worry about the cold or the oak leaves shedded for the winter. She still keeps blooming through the trash.

A good example for my dreary mind - life is worth blooming no matter that the sky is dark.There will be sun an other day. So I took couple pictures of this brave plant and came back in to try getting my thinking in positive degree.

...rain, rain, rain...

It has been a dark weather all week. Every morning looking out the window seemed like
end of season too fast and too depressing.
It had me going though quite content. I had some very pleasant visitors to uplift my soul.
I had my car repaired and when I paid the estimated amount, the men came out before I left and gave me back $ 50.00. It really surprised me. People like that are hard to find these days. I was so happy, went right from there to get my car the winter rust proof oiling and that also was costing less than I had expected. I had some other phoning business to do. I thought I wont be able to manage by myself, but it worked. I also got a phone call that my book has been done - the 2nd print - and will be delivered on Saturday. Great blessings all through the week despite the dreary weather.
Today with nothing to worry about I stood at the front window and realized that autumn is rushing fast to make room for winter. Not heavy, but it rained. The rainwater beat the rusty leaves from my oak that normally hangs on to it way into snow. The whole lawn was covered with carpet-like fallen leaves. Discouraging, somehow. Then I thought we are suppose to find something positive in any situation. Thinking that and of feeling sad, I noticed that the fallen leaves, being wet, sort of glittered. It just touched my soul - there is Light somewhere and even in the rain it glows. Maybe it was kind of guilt feeling that I did not say thanks to the Lord for having this day so still and actually pretty. Was I on the way to complain? About the weather darkness? I know better - just too bad I did not have anyone for this morning to share the sight and the sillent glow of heaven's Light shining of the leaves...

another morning

Awakening I saw first

the same ash tree

the same blue sky

just the tree has shed half of its leaves

the birch trees also are crumpled rusty

dropping one leaf at a time

slowly, slowly

winter is comming

though human calendar

showed autumn started just two days ago

do the trees know more than the electronic

weather metrology?

The trees don't push buttons

they feel....

heaven speaks

It's the first thing I see as I open my eyes in the morning. Summer is leaving. We did not have a summer as we were accustomed to. It did not follow the forecaster diagrams (ha-ha -electronics). The last 15 days have had sun, but it was not as warm as we expect in a summer. Trees slowly start dropping leaves, though they are not in a most colourful autumn attire yet.

This ash tree outside my window is rushing to drop its leaves. Some how it does not make me enjoy it - thoughts about winter - trees will have another spring - will I? All this writing does not mean anything to other people. Life goes on, but I have to notice it. The aging makes me wonder - what next? When? Waiting for what? Hoping for what? Trying to keep my heart beat normal. What is normal at this stage of life? I notice all the little changes in nature, but does that apply to me too? Sort of hidden fear...

Afterthought

God is always there. Do we pay any attention to it? Do we take time to see when He talks to us in a colour of sunset?

We are too busy to take time to notice it daily.

It isn't our chemical or negligence creation. We will never know why it is different and how any day. I can not miss it. It shows up every evening in my window and I have to think what is He telling me now?

Maybe not very sensible, but why does it fascinate me?

Just thinking. God is always there. Back in my childhood they used to foresee in the sunset what the next days weather will be like. No one thought that it could have been the Lord talked to them. Now we don't even take time to notice it.

It's comming

It was not there yesterday, but today driving to Barrie it just clicked in my mind: autumn has kissed some trees. Vow! That was a line for a poem. I was driving the regular speed and all the autumn's fiery touches passed by to fast to stop and take a picture. Though the line was clinging in my head "Autumn has kissed some. It must have happened last night by the full moon shine.

Romantic? - Or just me - floating in the unreal.

Came back slowly watching to find the tree that called for this line. Maybe some other driver behind me were angry for my slow speed, but I id not pretend i noticed. I had to find the tree.

I did. When I stopped on the roads shoulder and took couple pictures at different angles a horse came behind the fence and was talking to me. So naturally I talked back until he posed good enough for picture. It made my day.

Natures creations do make you feel happy, but the mind says summer is on a way out. What will the winter bring?

Well, I better enjoy the touch of the autumn , it will bring more off it .

touch of autumn

It does not seem to be as we remember autumn would be. This year has been different. I know we can not chose or manipulate the weather the way we like or do remember of before. This year appears to be different. Forecasters have been wrong most of the days, more or less.

It does not help the feelings toward a positive attitude about life. It is a question we can not know the answer. It is hard to take it knowing that all things are God's making. I have a hard time to positive attitude about myself. Dull days are depressing. No need to do anything, nobody needs me, just wait . Wait for what? We all know there is an end to our life in this world, but why do I have to think about it so much? I am considerably well health wise, as far as I know. But do I know ? I am scared to think of future dreams, It might be just dreams that never come real.
Being alone I have hard time to keep myself positively thinking and hope I am not wasting the days Lord granted me with. I can not put it in the right words the feeling that does not create exactly a confidence for the next day. Crazy, the general perception, but there is no pattern how we are suppose to be or feel. It is confusingly lonely longing for closer relationships that are very hard to find. We are too much involved in our personal life. Sharing feelings is not a common subject. I don't even know if there has to be a personal care for other people's emotions. I was just thinking about what my sister wrote about the understanding of words. Someone wrote in the readers letters that referring to heart as emotional factor is wrong. It is only a part of our bodily functions, like a mechanical part, that keeps our body functioning.
I thought that this particular person never mentioned soul. Neither did my sister, referring back on emotions in words. She said in a poem : don't scatter words, they are very affective creating feelings or hurting . How do you connect with people? How do you get friends if you are not free of using words the way you feel? I know I am making a big issue off it. Truth is still and always has been the best solution no matter how the feelings are. Feelings are instant reflection and has not given time to our soul to evaluate the few words that appear to be wrong. Am I lost in my thoughts? God gave me the gift of being able to think and decide about what I hear. I do not like to be hasty. Life goes on regardless how we trip and if we get up again and chose another understanding. God's will is a mystery and I don't know what He had in mind to make me think about all this so extensively. I do pray to have a peace in my mind to let things take care by Him...

Closer look

...that is what he wrote after taking walks along the pond and the big maple...

...possibly contemplating peace for his spirit...

Just afterthought

I've been very busy preparing for and attending the Al Purdy's Festival. As usual, I don't understand how come there are very few people I've spoken to who knows who Al Purdy was and still is. (One of Canada's greatest poets.) Sad to know that Canadians know so little about there own literature, especially that have thoughts about life now and after death. This picture I took the last day at Purdy's monument in Ameliasburg cemetery. The picture leaning on it was loaned by his wife Eurithe to show us Al as he used to walk there without any thoughts that he might be buried there. He still is considered as Canada's People's Poet. I think, people don't read poetry much because they don't know how. I've been taught that reading poems one has to be able to take time and read between the lines. Every poet puts his or hers emotions, good or bad, in it without realizing if their words have helped them to grow. Every book we read should teach us something.

I can't understand why so little literature are taught at schools today. Why do we have writers period? Just to fill newspapers with scandal reports and unreal advertising?

At this festival there were poets from Montreal, Ottawa, Sarnia, Hamilton, Toronto and many smaller places. It was an entertainment as well as seminars for who ever liked to learn more how to write. This was the third year there. The poem readings were amazing. I wonder how come Alliston does not have enough interest in hearing some of the writers in person. Have we turned too materialistic and take poetry just as an imagination? Sad not to know there are more to it.

just thinking with no answers...

I received today four of my contemporaries pasing away this week. Some were younger than I parting with this world. I can not avoid thinking about God's will. Where do I stand in there?


I have no spiritual mentor right now. The only way to shake my soul is to put something in poetry, though I am not sure if that gives any relief of thougths about how far is my death


In the book

I’m writing not really knowing what for.
Every one is getting old
There are no written instructions
For process of how.
I think I do believe in God,
But I am human
And how do I know the reality?
So far, I feel, still to have my common sense
To receive aging as it advances.
It’s scary to admit
And hard to drop an ever lasting thought
How will it end?
Will I get disabled and hurt?
Hard to give up the activities
I used to do and liked.
My body starts protesting moves.
Pain is a new element.
Hard to accept consequences.
Do I trust abstract, spiritual, hope to God
When there is no other support
For aging soul to hold onto?…

The only choice to avoid
That shaky waiting time
To leave this world
Don’t think
Just live the best today...

rainy days

My "paradise"
dark morning
like it or not
rain, rain, rain
heaven brightens
nature's greens
different shades to name
I should enjoy
the given power
for living
hard when soul gets soaked

Melancholy

I have not posted for a while.

Spring arrives moody.

All plants are striving to bloom.

Wind, frost, cold...

Social habits to manipulate...

Sad...

All blooms of joy gone.

Just green - still alive -

hope for growth

and harvest.

Memory dreams...

Wind again

I woke up by the noise of a shower banging on the metal roof. The power had been off during the night and the clock was just blinking.

A dull beginning of a day. I got up. But the darkness made my thoughts hang on to aftermath of yeaterdays funeral about life and death.

I felt like going back to bed and not to wake up at all. However it isn't my choice.

After my chugging along the regular routine, the rain stopped. Instead a wind, like I never liked, was shaking everything it could get hold on. Dried branches from the trees, even the cover from my birdfeeder was ripped off and blown around.

I can not find peace in it. It rips my thoughts in twirls from utter extremities about everything. It did get sunny, but the wind - the wind wont stop.

Restlessly I was trying to catch it on pictures to illustrate my dislike. The branches from the willow were blown parallel to the ground. Even my tulips got bend down pretty well touching the grass with their blooms.

There is no way to stop it. I can not accept it patiently. For some reason it disturbs me. The worst part is that I don't understand why it bothers me so much. Maybe some day I'll find out. Just now the best thing I can do is putting my unrest in words on paper and let it be. It will stop sooner or later.

Funeral

I did go to the funeral at the church. I did not know the lady who parted from this world personally. Though the service made me cry and I had to leave the church for a while to get my self together. I was jealous of the memories her children and grandchildren told about her. It made me think what could my children say at my funeral? I really don't wish that they even try. Their lives had bean just a matter of survival. As much as I was trying to give them more for what I understood they need it really never succeeded to much. God gave them talents, but the pure existence limited the reaching for their dreams. I am feeling guilty that I was not able to provide more than I did, even that was not easy. I never thought that I should have a life and dreams of my own. Today - I can not change anything what happened and I don't know if my children were aware of what I had to cope with while they grew up.
I was talking to Pastor Vos , I really do need a mentor, but even a few words of him helped to get myself a bit together. We can not change what has happened in the past and we can not make any one's perception of life like we think they ought.
It is scary to worry about children's future when I know they have not the base strong enough to depend on God. All I can do is pray..... and try to have faith that God knows...

Special

It made my day! In the spring rush I do feel abandoned. Every one has their own spring work and there is not much time to spare for "little old lady".
However, when Nathaniel presented me with his first prise craft, made me feel that I am special to him, if even for a short while. I hope he can understand that the little attention he decided to present to me, for him it was a big creation work, made me get out of the feeling of being lonely.
I hope he grows up to be a loving person all the time.
Thanks a lot, Nathaniel.

Easter Day

My little crocuses did survive the snow cover for couple days. Saturday friends of mine came from Orangeville visiting and brought me this one egg. It was customary to colour eggs for Easter. In my country they were mostly done in onion skins or other plant materials for change of colour. After they had folks ornaments either scratched in the colour or marked wit pencils. I have not done it for few years now. My hands are not good enough to make such small designs. Though the girls had coloured this egg the Canadian way I still felt touched that they remembered me. So, since the snow was gone, I went outside and put the egg beside my crocuses and enjoyed my own poor creation to make a Easter card to e-mail to family and friends. Besides - there is joy in those little things and I am happy to send it believing that other people will, at least have a smile about.

This morning felt to be different. The sun seemed to be brighter than other days I bothered to pay attention to. It did lift my soul up high - joyful peace for the day most signified for all who believe in Christ.

This blog might seem like a hollow chit-chat to some, but to me it is taking all the dust of my soul and worth celebrating.

Snow in April 2009

Not really a surprise,

neither April joke

not the first time either

no choice or change for

Creators way to talk to us

Do we understand?

I feel sorry for the little crocus, it will be gone when snow melts again.

It is still snowing. Weather man fore casted sun and warmer in a day or two.

Even though the snow is white- sign of purity, the mood has shadows...

Early greeting to spring

Just one little crocus
hopes the snow is gone for good.
Uplifted my spirit
and made my heart beat
more joyful
enough to forget
the depressing feeling
of loneliness.

Self pitty

I have a common cold, but it is hard to cope with.
There is so much I like to do but the sneezing and the running nose makes it different to cope. I don't remember when I ever had a headache before and it isn't killing me right now, just one of the symptoms that goes with the cold. More than ever I feel alone. I took a tylenol , felt better for a while and could not stay idle. So I went out and carried the wood Cornell cut at the fall. Not very sensible. It was heavy even so I carried it one piece at the time. The cold came back with a double dose of tiredness and back ache. I did miss this Sunday's service because of it. I could not stop coughing and sneezing. My tears and my nose was running, often without a break to pick up a kleenex.
I try to do some work for my next book, but it does not get very complete as I feel sorry and aching.
I am glad Dirk phoned. He was willing to come and help, but I am not that cruel to pass my germs to him.
Impatient, sorry for myself. The daily work has to be done. I do pray for God's help to recover of it.

March 16th
Dirk phoned again today. I'm grateful for that he remembers me. I guess I am recoverig slowly.
Though I do miss having some conversation and discussions about my work. I did take some pictures I imagined to fit in the book, but how do I know if it is worth the
thought I put in it? Hope Dirk will come after the March school holiday and I can make a step or two towards the accomplishing the book. Creating isn't easy if you don't know how the future readers will interpret my perception. At least I think I am on the cure to be more clear tomorow.

The sun and wind

have icy teeth

snowflakes dancing between

tretcherous weather

straches the waiting

for dandelion smiles

soul gets restless for spring air.

Though I'm sitting in cozy warm room

busy knitting miles of yarn

words are shaking my mind

creativity feels neglected

not even an excuse for crying.


.

Floods

This last picture I took as soon as Marjorie left. By then It was really scary outside. The ice had been broken somewhere down the river and it was going wild here breaking trees where the pieces had flooded above the shore. The river was roaring and the trees were cracking, like
there was somebody trying to cut them all at once. On this picture I did not manage to catch the broken trees and lot of other debris that was going down. Powerful!
But it did make me feel glad that I am safe.


Last night while reading a book in bed I could hear all kinds of noises outside. Could not concentrate on reading. Put away the book and still listening to the wind blowing and , what I thought trees braking , fell asleep.This morning the wind woke me up early. It was still so noisy.


It was to dark to see outside, so I made my coffee and read my routinely devotions, though extended because of the time I had.


By then the daylight had come up. An when I looked outside - I just grabbed my camera and just the way I was, in a housecoat, and outside wind and rain, I went out to take the pictures. The one with the water on the right side was my side of the river. See how far the bush is in the water. I could not place all on one picture so I took the other one from the other side the river. It was as far as their road is. It was scary to look at. This is my 41st winter here, but only the 4Th time the river got so high.


I did take more pictures, but was scared to damage the camera in the rain, came in to have breakfast.
Did not have no rest. Kept going to the window and watching what happens. There was just wild outside. It rained, then turned to wet snow for about fifteen minutes and back to rain again. The wind - I never liked it anyway - kept my mind restless. I was just running every few minutes to the window expecting some changes.


Then Marjory came for a visit and for that time I forgot about the river




This is the picture of how high it went on the other side.

I still have not learned how to arrange all the pictures and text in the time sequence. I don't know if I will live long enough to get it all. It has taken me so much , my own and Dirk's (thank you!) to get where I am. I had posted one picture twice and it took me the rest of the day to remove it. I don't know if I'll remember if it happens again.
Anyway, the weather has calmed down, the river has receded some from the overflow, so this might be a good night without noises.

snowing, snowing...

It is beginning to be to monotonous that snowing, day after day. A friend sent me this picture from Chris Fraiers Zen Gardens. That is where we had a good time last August weekend reading and writing poetry. So I had an instant inspiration to remember the place. I did e-mail it back to the photographer (copy rights?) and he send an answer back: "I am speechless. . . A perfect haiku for a halcyon Zen river Gardens, thank you.

It did give me an uplift though it still snows here and the only inspiration is the crowds of cardinals, squirrels an junkies on my doorstep. Tough better company than none.

That constant snowing does good to look at for a day or two, but now it dulls my creative thinking. Just can't imagine what to do to start living poetically again.

What a moon!

I thought I had a so called writers blog. No inspiration to write anything "poetical". However this morning, after two nights having -30C , first thing I saw was at the west side of the sky the departing moon as brilliant as the sun in the brightest day. It's getting more in the shadow of the earth but it left the impression it's laughing at all the world.

I remember hearing and reading in the old time Farmer's Almanacs that the frost in June and in end of August or September are always coming when moon is full. It was full just three days ago. Is that the trick it pulled on us? I was curious what the science has to say about. I clicked on Google and questioned "Is there scientific explanation of cold at full moon time". It took me hours to read, but there was no definite answer. All kinds of formulas, but they did not mention any connection with the moon. How did the old time farmers got to that observation? I have been watching it too and it is happening, though not always the same strength.

For having a peace of mind I just let the thought go. God created the world and the whole universe and all the parts in it. So that is his order why these things happen; not that we always pay attention to it or try to work knowing it with.

It was though a very pretty sight this morning. I don't think I ever had noticed that the moon can be so bright especially when the sun is already up on the other side of the sky.

Superstition or faith?...

2009 first sunrise

One of those moments I wish my feelings were contagious from soul to soul. The picture really does not reflect the brilliance I saw on that tree. It was sparkling in the first sun rays more than highly polished gold. It felt like a fairy tree down from heaven. Snow covered the whole surroundings in pure white. clean as clean can ever be. Beginning of a new year - a new chance to begin again. I was so happy that it had not snowed too much and I would be able to get out to the church service. Just the best beginning to have any time in life. I just had to hold my breath and thank the Lord that He touches me this way. It feels like there is peace, light and power to see beyond daily routines and roughness.

It makes me be still and know - God is right here...even if no one believes me (I don't think I am insane yet).