Wind again

I woke up by the noise of a shower banging on the metal roof. The power had been off during the night and the clock was just blinking.

A dull beginning of a day. I got up. But the darkness made my thoughts hang on to aftermath of yeaterdays funeral about life and death.

I felt like going back to bed and not to wake up at all. However it isn't my choice.

After my chugging along the regular routine, the rain stopped. Instead a wind, like I never liked, was shaking everything it could get hold on. Dried branches from the trees, even the cover from my birdfeeder was ripped off and blown around.

I can not find peace in it. It rips my thoughts in twirls from utter extremities about everything. It did get sunny, but the wind - the wind wont stop.

Restlessly I was trying to catch it on pictures to illustrate my dislike. The branches from the willow were blown parallel to the ground. Even my tulips got bend down pretty well touching the grass with their blooms.

There is no way to stop it. I can not accept it patiently. For some reason it disturbs me. The worst part is that I don't understand why it bothers me so much. Maybe some day I'll find out. Just now the best thing I can do is putting my unrest in words on paper and let it be. It will stop sooner or later.

Funeral

I did go to the funeral at the church. I did not know the lady who parted from this world personally. Though the service made me cry and I had to leave the church for a while to get my self together. I was jealous of the memories her children and grandchildren told about her. It made me think what could my children say at my funeral? I really don't wish that they even try. Their lives had bean just a matter of survival. As much as I was trying to give them more for what I understood they need it really never succeeded to much. God gave them talents, but the pure existence limited the reaching for their dreams. I am feeling guilty that I was not able to provide more than I did, even that was not easy. I never thought that I should have a life and dreams of my own. Today - I can not change anything what happened and I don't know if my children were aware of what I had to cope with while they grew up.
I was talking to Pastor Vos , I really do need a mentor, but even a few words of him helped to get myself a bit together. We can not change what has happened in the past and we can not make any one's perception of life like we think they ought.
It is scary to worry about children's future when I know they have not the base strong enough to depend on God. All I can do is pray..... and try to have faith that God knows...

Special

It made my day! In the spring rush I do feel abandoned. Every one has their own spring work and there is not much time to spare for "little old lady".
However, when Nathaniel presented me with his first prise craft, made me feel that I am special to him, if even for a short while. I hope he can understand that the little attention he decided to present to me, for him it was a big creation work, made me get out of the feeling of being lonely.
I hope he grows up to be a loving person all the time.
Thanks a lot, Nathaniel.