another day

I ended up crying at a neighbours place to fill my day I felt wasted. I am suppose to be a poet. So I am trying to get another book of long omitted poems  knowing I might not live long enough to be creative.
It did create the so called depression - I just don't know why. I have a collection of poems since 1990.
It it  a long time to look back written at the time emotions screamed to get out, but -  etiquette did not permit it. I have tried to behave according to present (or maybe outdated ways of relating to people).
I do have about 100 poems to correct presentable for publishing. Beastly me! Why should I speak and write by some one else's program? My life was and is not like theirs. Yet, if any one reads my feelings, screaming in the poetry, they might make comparisons and learn some way to solve theirs.
This sounds like a diary I don't like to write publicly, but what will I gain or learn keeping it all in my self? I don't get any comments so far.  I might not ever. But... God, please grant peace for my mind...

Another day gone not thinking much if I should write on the blog. It  is like a diary just letting strangers read it. I did work on a new poetry book today. I'm not shure if I will be able to accomplish it. Never learning , never schooling  how to do it, I wander in my thoughts all impossible realities. God has granted all of us with special talents. I don't think it always is art. It is opening my heart and trying to find friensds with interests we can shear. The world is so muddled up politicaly and many other ways with disaggreements. Love is lost somewhere, burried of "economical" - greed  ways of living.
I am writing this just to ease my mind how to carry on surviving the time God has made me to be. What ever His goal is for me bothers me - am I good enough to accomplish His destination for me?
It is easy to find excuses for doing or not doing things. When will I  feel secure that I am folowing His designated road for me? Will I ever in this life time here on earth? It is frustruating. How do I know I'm not making another sin? I do pray, but not always sure He hears me or responds to it.
It is trembling my soul about what ever will be. Yet that is all there is  - just be...The Lord knows how...

First snow

First snow at November 11, 2012

It has been a very mild waiting for usualy common

snowy days at this time of the year. Rtght now I am trying to

 find how to manage to put the pictures on the blog.This is a
pretty sight for a serene day.

I hope it stays successfully on the blog posting. I have hard time
learning. Annelise helped, but after I messed it up again
and had to find the hardway how to get it done Hope it sticks.

"golden age"

This year most deciduous trees changed their colours mostly yellow. It was impressive, though - maybe the Lord's message that nature quietly lets us see why we call this season in life "the golden age".
It is hard to know how long this golden age will last in human life's fall season. The golden look in nature , we know, will last only a short time
to surrender for winters white rest.
My life's autumn? I would like to know how much longer it will last, but - I don't think the Lord is telling me.
I am getting frustrated with the constant "improvement" changes on the computer and it is hard to continue doing as I did up till now. I am fortunate that there are friends in younger generations who are willing to fin time and help me finding way out of the new frustrations. I still have to learn and learn. Will it ever stop and I could be content that I know what I need?
I am expecting Annelise to come and refresh some of my way of working, so waiting for her I managed to get this written. I'm not sure if it will post on the previous Blog. I'm trying and hoping that Annelise can straighten my way to work in peace again.

where do I belong?

What is friendship?
When does God speak to me?
Why do I have to think just all by myself?
Why isn't there anyone to share my joys and sorrows,
Pains and gifts I am trying to share with - who?
Who cares?
I've read the Bible four times over
I still can not see how many people live by the wisdom of it.
Politics, nationalism, old time customs -
does not make life
Did God spoke to me?
Yes, finally I heard Him -
just a fiction story if I tell to some one
and I am afraid
don't even know of what
- just unknown
and I didn't know or even dear to think of the meaning...
Just don't know where I belong????

... I have not lived long enough yet..

There is more to life than boundaries and legacies.
I don't know if I ever will finish searching for peace in my soul, especially missing friends willing to spend time shearing my "jungle" of never ending understanding...


At my 88th birthday

At this current standard of living
all things are available to purchase,
needed or just tempted to have.
Short of complete English,
I looked for help to find explanation
for some words I’ve been thinking about lately.
The dictionary betrayed me.
“Legacy” – suppose to be a bequest of property.
What about the poems we write
in words without dictionary’s permission?
They are about love, sufferings,
misunderstandings,
searching for friendships,
trying to help and support some lost souls.
They are not material
packaged or saved at bank accounts.

I tripped at another word - “boundaries”.
Do you know about boundaries?
They are in everyone’s life and soul.
Do we notice them in daily actions?
Life needs disciplines
that can not be attained in a store.
They come from within your self
by severe self-control.
Do we have boundaries for ourselves?
Do we respect those of others?
Ignoring them Love gets killed,
leading to frustrations
that creates violence, depressions and suicide.
There are no rules what legacy, if any,
to leave after we’re gone.
It might help to read poetry with deeper thinking.
It might be possible to find how to build the boundaries
and disciplines in ourselves
by more severe self-control
how to leave the most worthy legacy:
unforgettable LOVE.

lonely day

lonely day
lonely day I was trying to get a picture posted from kodak file, but actualy has no use.That was a picture with other writers long weekend.I was out of mine loneliness. There was a themes abut literary values. I am yet not that familiar with all of of them. Pardon me, at 88 one does not learn literary history, though it is interesting.I am not sure where my mind is going now???? Death is the closest . .. Why am I trying or even avoiding to think about improving my knowledge of writers who did feel like I do - future is not in our control. I do like to write something that will leave a tought in the readers mind - life does not have a recipe how it will complete. Am I afraid? I don't think so, but - what do I know?I don't even know why I do try writing something on this blog? Who will read it or even think about it after? I just feel lonely. For all I have done - I still have to die alone and without any consoling feelings today....

Just getting my toughts together

I gave not written for a long time because "we do not have equal rights".
The whole life turns around money and therefore people like me who live n the worlds quiet corner have no access to the many catching satellites. I finally got with some ones help my computer back to get at the folders I like to write something. It does not have and wont be another poem right now, because I am frustrated about the so named advanced connections. I think sometime I could die before the computer connects to the file I like. Meanwhile have thought about 88 years life that does not mean anything to anyone else. Though - 88 years teaches a lot even without school or new laws and new borderlines in community life.
I just have quieted down for the frustration the computer done to me and have my thoughts
too many to right about now. I will "cool" (new word interpretation) my mind and actually am itching to do more writing on the blog. For now - hope they wont change my programs again without my personal permission. I am not interested of what anyone has to sell. Life has more to it than material matter that are available for money. That is my reason for writing.
So I hope to get at it with fresh thoughts ( and poems) again.

So this is unloading my disappointment with the technical progress and Ii hope I will be able to put more of my thoughts on the blog.